I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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