I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
