i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
