Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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