In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I miss vodka workout Fridays
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
