Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We just shotgunned beers for America
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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