You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
