I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
