I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
