Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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