Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
