OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
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I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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