and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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