I think I died a long time ago.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
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Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
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hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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