I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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