I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
