i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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