Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
