My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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