Having a random hookup so left but love u
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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