My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
