I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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