If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
