Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
