I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
