if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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