Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
