i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
