Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
