My cat gives me a boner
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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