I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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