so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
