then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
why is half of my head shaved?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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