Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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