At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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