I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
