Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
