guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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