i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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