I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
