just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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