he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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