The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
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Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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