My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
