WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
