You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
