It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
