hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
