Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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