My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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