I'm so fucking centered right now
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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